My Cousin Benny Owns A Limosine Company.

Aladdin is from Compton:


Aladdin Porn:

Wood Hard, Large Like Bonds Head. Hard Wood, It Has No Carpet.

For xmas can someone get me HGH?

Girls Like When You Have A Big Aggregate.

Yeah, so I'm in the city on Saturday afternoon for work. At the South St. Seaport and I'm doin' my thing workin' and all of a sudden "Harley Davidson" himself (Mickey Rourke) walks by with a his little entourage.

His entourage consisted of a beautiful skinny woman (an 8) with big shades (probably from the beating he laid on her the night before), 1 older guy who looked like his Daniel Baldwin, an old man, and a guy who was most likely his manager of sorts who looked like the Red Dragon from Made:

Rourke is on another planet. It seemed as though he was just being guided around with no clue what was going on. They were at the South St. Seaport, but Mickey didn't know where he was (and apparently didn't know he was headed there, because the Red Dragon told him "Ok now, Mickey, this is what's known as the South St. Seaport" as they passed. Mickey grunted in response. Then he proceeded to smoke 4 cigs back-to-back before going wherever he was going.

Next up, I saw Stanley Cup Champion Goalie Mike Richter.

No one recognized him except me.... he's no taller than 5'6''. He was the shit back in the day though. I yelled over to him, "AYYYYY" and put my hand to the sky.... he waved back.

I then saw a dead ringer for Shawn from Boy Meets World (Rider Strong). It may have actually been him (he's also 5'6''). The only reason I suspect it wasn't was because the girl he was with was hideous. Actually on second thought who the fuck is this guy? I'm sure he bangs ugly girls.

David Blaine walked by talking on his iPhone and I considered trying to take a quarter out of his ear, but I didn't have a quarter.

I did have gum, though, and was about to tell him he had dirty ears and pull the gum out and say enjoy the hannukah cookie, but something came over me (my Con-Science whatever that is).

Last, but certainly not least, Paulie from Rocky. PAULIE! FROM FUCKIN ROCKY! He's by far the best character from the series and a personal idol of mine. I saw him walk out of a building with a girl in her mid 20s on his arm (a solid 8.5) with short hair. So I turn to the people around me and go, "It's Paulie! It's Paulie!" They ask where and I turn and point as I continue to say "It's Paulie! It's Paulie!" (He was no more than 15 feet from me). He noticed that at least I was excited even if no one else really knew who he was so he proceeded to do this:

Yes. Paulie gave me international sign for "Put your dooks up." Having no dooks to put up, I said "I got fucking no dooks." He walked away and I said "Thanks, Paulie." I want to be Paulie. The mother fucker has not aged a day since 1976 (the year of Rocky 1), and my god his woman was gorgeous.

I guess it goes to show you: Girls Like When You Have A Big Aggregate.

We Have A Six Foot African Jew Wearing A Hoody.

The Answer is a gangster. 51 points.

Who cares that he cost them the game, nonetheless gangster?

A Van Down By The River?

Yes. I found myself in a van down by the river.

The Van Story:
This story has become a local legend with cops telling all their friends.
Our first night in the house I blacked out before we left for the bar. Luke had me taking shots of vodka after we played ride the bus. Little did I know that I would ride the van later. I got to the bar and was pretty incoherent. After maybe 5-10 minutes my friends turned around I had disappeared. This was at midnight. I woke up at 5:30am, hypothermic-level cold and shivering like fuck in a van down by the river surrounded by cops. They were going to charge me with trespassing and breaking and entering, but the woman whose van it was felt bad that I was so wasted (I puked on her bible) that all she wanted was some money to clean the van (and buy a new bible). I gave her 30 bucks and the cops drove me home. The End.

Phew, got away with another one. Me now:

Me in 15 years:

I Was An Extra In War Of The Worlds.

Some great fucking clips from the best show on TV.

This precedes his jump down a flight of stairs.


His Audition Tape.

Ha Ha Ha Ha. You Dumb Bastard. It's Not A Schooner... It's A Sailboat.

What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch! The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have never won more than 70 games in a season and have won 39.8% of their games throughout their history...... and now they get $450 million dollar schooner?

Fun Facts about "The Rays"

Famous Fans

Mike Alstott - Fullback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bubba the Love Sponge - Radio personality

Hulk Hogan - Professional wrestler

John Cena - Professional wrestler

Dick Vitale - College basketball broadcaster

Rob Stone - ESPN broadcaster

Jason Williams - Professional basketball player

The only retired jersey belongs to this guy who played two seasons with the team:

Yeah. That is Wade Anthony Boggs.

My Brother is Whom.

So e'rebody wonna kno who my brudda is. This is who he be.

Who Scotty:



Scotty with Sway:



Scotty being a gangsta:

Basketball's Liberace.

No words necessary.

The Mile Long's Finast.

Young Boss:

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

LJ Smith:


Michael Jacobs - Creator of BMW:

Autobots, Roll Out.

Our Blue Man Group won us a 100 person open bar, but this shit is nutty:

The Parents Are Very Irritating...May I Take Them Out?

BluRay Storch:

Makin' it Reign Turkeys.

The Reignman aka The Manchild:

"I'm going to play again," [Shawn] Kemp says, speaking in depth publicly for the first time since he retired two years ago after a 14-year NBA career. "And if I'm going to play again, there's only one way to do it. The right way. On my own." Kemp says this isn't about the money. It's about the way his legacy has been defined. You look at him and see a troublemaker, a baby factory, a talent unfulfilled.
--Seattle Times



RAP SHEET:
April 4, 2005 - arrested in Shoreline, Washington for an investigation of drug possession. Kemp along with another man were found with cocaine, about 60 grams of marijuana and a semiautomatic pistol.

April 29, 2005 - formally charged with drug possession and pleaded guilty.

July 21, 2006 - Kemp was again arrested for misdemeanor marijuana possession in Houston, Texas

Kemp has been subjected to many paternity suits, having fathered seven out-of-wedlock children with six different women. This number is alleged to be even higher.


I ate chicken instead of turkey and drank malt liquor all day for Thanksgiving in honor of #40.

U Want What For Christmas? Tha Elves?

Awwww, I love Christmas time. The presents. The family.

Fam, the season for giving is upon all of you. So get me some of this shit:


Holland's Case & Diamond Rain Fire.
Silver Tube from Tiffany's and 18 Carat White Gold Lighter from S.T. Dupont.

The Bearded Ski Mask & Titsass Goggles.
Who doesn't want to look like the Mr. Moneybags on the slopes?

Penguin's Umbrella.
WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAAAAAHHHH!!!! Yeah, seeee!

Turkish Flying Fish.
Greeks probably invented this yacht, but a Turk stole the idea during a siesta.

Porsche Wine Fridge.
Shit, I don't even drink wine, but this can hold my Stoli & Louis V.

Word, Bitch! Phantom Coupes like a Motherfucker.
Equipped with humidor.

Hercules 400 Laser.
This $3,000 lightsaber will fucking cut you.

Ish Does Not Think So.

More Car Jumping.... this time from the Eastern Bloc:

Juanita Jordan Gives Mike The Old "Prison Cell Bitch" Treatment

Michael Jordan will pay his ex-wife, Juanita, an "unprecedented" divorce settlement of more than $168M. Jordan last December "balked at signing the settlement," but sources said that talks have subsequently added $41.45M to the deal. A family insider has reported that Jordan has been experiencing a bloody anal leakage.

(LONDON TIMES, 11/11)

Picture: The Two MJ's, Jordan and Jackson, at charity dinner in '06

Throw Your Dollas In The Air For Your $14.99 ------!!

Stephon Marbury was 30,000 feet in the air on Monday when he learned that his run with the Knicks was about to crash and burn. The Daily News has learned that Marbury made his decision to return to home to New York once he was informed on the charter plane Monday afternoon that he would not be starting against the Suns. "Isiah has to start me," Marbury fumed, according to the source. "I've got so much (shit) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (get) me. But I'll (get) him first. You have no idea what I know." It is unclear if Marbury made the same threat directly to Isiah Thomas, whose first big move as team president was trading for Marbury.

-New York Daily News


Atta boy, Marbs! Keep it psycho and gangster.

Steve Gutenberg Is Tops!

My screenplay is out to ace Stevie Goots. We're waiting to hear back from his agent. Hopefully he'll be cast in the role of Moishe Eichenbaum.

Barack Obama Motherfucker.

Royals OF Joey Gathright goes car jumping:


Cardinals SS Adrian Wilson jumps 66 inch hurdle:


My. God.

Algernon Crumpler Or Beetlejuice?

The resemblance truly is uncanny.

Yagahbombs! Yagahbombs! Skanks!

Jersey... defined.

I Now Declare Him A Bust.

Does the A in Stephen A. Smith stand for Asshole? Only God knows.

Ahhh, The Soothing Words of Emmitt Smith.

Additions to Bartlett's:

"The Dallas Cowboys are not far behind, they are a distant third, they're close but they're not quite there yet."
"They have a little bit more work to do -- a lot more work to do."
"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."
"The pitcher still have to throw the curve ball. Tom Brady still have to make the catches."
"These are the two guys that's gonna take a lot of pressure off of Jason . . . Jay . . . off of the quarterback, Jason [Campbell]."
"It's four week now, we're in week four."
"It's gonna be a long fall -- a quick fall."
"You will get blowed out. And if you get blowed out, it is your fault."
"When he [Adrian Peterson] get around traffic, he lowers his shoulders and go through traffic -- and he go through it very well."

Other Nuggets of Wisdom:

Emmitt says that Reggie Bush should be touching the ball five to ten times per game.
Emmitt also says that Donald Driver needs to "rightsize" the ship tonight.

Goddamnit, Stu's eye creeps the shit out of me.

[from http://profootballtalk.com/LiveBlog2007.htm]

After video of some guy in a Giants jersey beating some guy in a Falcons jersey in arm wrestling, Stu was spewing some nonsense about how last week the guy in the Cowboys shirt won and Dallas went on to win the game and so that must mean the Giants will win the game.

And then Steve Young sort of snapped.

Young: "You actually . . . so you pay attention to that? That means something -- that's meaningful to you?"

After he said it, Young looked over to Emmitt Smith for support, but Steve quickly realized that, as usual when it comes to Emmitt, no one was home in the house.

Stu: "The guy won with the Dallas jersey, Dallas won the game."

Young: "Guys, the whole organizations put their whole lives on -- for Monday night football and it's gonna come down to two goofballs in the parking lot."

Stu: "That's what happened."

Emmitt: "That's how they should do their draft choices."

Stu: "That's what happened."

Young: "ESPN. . . . Why are we even here? . . . . Giants are gonna win because they won the arm wrestling."

Classic.

It was almost funny enough for us to miss Emmitt say "mismaktch." And then he stammered as he tried to say "these two rookie tackles." And then he said "mixmatch."

Some say his broadcasting career could tarnish his playing career. I say it already has. Sad, because I was one of the few devotees to actually read The Emmitt Zone.

Indians Wear Nikes?

Nike's Shoe For Native Americans Released

Nike Releasing Air Native N7 Today

Nike today will release the Air Native N7, a shoe designed specifically for "the distinct Native American foot: quite wide in the front, more narrow at the heel," according to Nikole Hannah-Jones of the Portland OREGONIAN. November is American Indian Heritage month. Phoenix-based Indian Health Services Chief Podiatrist Eugene Dannels, who worked with Nike on the shoe, said, "There are 550 federally recognized tribes and millions of people who are Native American. Some have narrow feet; some have wide feet." Nike Oregon Region Communications Dir Bob Applegate said, "It's not the position of the company that all Native Americans have wide feet. There is a tendency. If you are a Native American and want a product that addresses this need, Nike has that. If you have a more traditional foot, Nike already has that." Native American Rehabilitation Association Health Dir Jeff Mildenberger said that the shoe is "attractive not because it fits a unique foot type, but because it can accommodate the needs of diabetic patients." While Nike will sell the Air Native N7 exclusively to Indian Health Services and tribes at the $42.80 wholesale cost, diabetic shoes cost as much as $400, and health workers will "give the shoes to diabetic patients at little or no cost." All profits from the shoe, expected to be $200,000 for the first 10,000 pair sold, will go to tribal sports programs ( Portland OREGONIAN, 11/1).

Favorite part of this story is that somehow there is an assumption that if you are American Indian you must be diabetic as well.

Signed,
[Insert Hysterical Indian Name About Not Being Able To Eat Sweets]

Kobe Buying MJ's House.

Lakers G KOBE BRYANT may purchase MICHAEL JORDAN's Highland Park home, which "could add more credence to the word" Bryant may end up with the Bulls (CHICAGO SUN TIMES 11/6).

really kobe? really?

Stevie Nash.

Check out this Nash Nike Commercial.

He probably would be as world reknowned as Ronaldinho or Henry had he chosen to play Soccer instead of Basketball. Thank god he chose hoops.

First.