Jonathan Storch: Quarter Pounder With Cheese..... GOT 'EM!

You know who the fuck I am?

I'm a baller. I got that Basketball Jones like Mekhi Phifer. I usually hoop it up two or three times a week and I been trying to step my game up. In high school, I was a Dwayne Schnitzius-type:

After countless 1v1 games with Pau Gasol aka Paul Gaston aka Buales, I now get comparisons to this guy:

Apart from his constant flopping, our games are pretty similar. To quote Drex: "Good D, Weird Finishes, Decent Shot." Recently, me and my boys have taken it upon ourselves to figure out who our NBA borderline allstar doppelgangers are. I'm Manu. Diddy is Ron Artest (or Eric Snow in his prime). Snake is LeBron (but not the best player to ever live). Snake's old man is Rip Hamilton. The Real Deal is Carlos Boozer. Clyde is Mehmet.

Clyde hacking the shit out of me:

[
Some comparisons from college, for those in the know: As previously mentioned, Buales is Pau Gasol. Slick is David West. Mr. Chicago is Gilbert Arenas. Letch is David Lee. The Donald is Andres Nocioni. Teeds is Brevin Knight. PDemps is Leandro Barbosa. Dobbs is Darius Songaila. And Figs is Oliver Miller:

]

Thursday nights, I play ball at a Catholic middle school with some older white guys. For the most part, these ballers aren't that great, but the court is pretty sick. Last week, Clyde and I walked into the gym and noticed a new guy. Guy looked like Undertaker's son.

He rocked a tattoo of a Ram on his arm, a red bandana (indicating his gang ties) and a red shirt (indicating his job as a Macy's Security Guard) all while looking like the spawn of the Undertaker. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to disparage being a Macy's Security Guard, that's just what it said on his shirt. I knew a large greek kid (Pete Dakalakanakis) who became a Macy's Security Guard after dropping out of masseuse school (cockbreath).

I sit down and start to change kicks and I watch this guy shoot around and start to run his mouth. I can immediately tell I will hate this guy. I look at Clyde, also staring at this character and he's thinking the same thing. He's just a loudmouth dude who thinks he is awesome. (His NBA comparison would be Chris Kaman.) (His Life comparison would be Vince Vaughn, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly, and Jack Sparrow.)

We start warming up and Clyde asks dudeguy if he wants to run on our team (best move in world's history). The game begins and he's full of these little sayings like:

"My rock! My rock!" (When we're on defense and his guy is bringing it up)
"I got check, baby!" (When he wants to check the ball in for us instead of letting me do it, which is then invariably followed by him throwing a no look pass to no one or him just giving it to me anyway)
"My rock! My rock!" (When he wants to bring it up the court instead of letting me do it, which is then invariably followed by him throwing a no look pass to no one or him just giving it to me anyway)
"Ok, kid, good shot!" (When someone on our team makes a shot)
"My Dad's the Undertaker!" (When someone looks at him)
"Chill, baby, chill." (When your boy, Manu, had a sick, albeit weird, finish that went down)
"We don't need that, chill, baby." (When your boy, Manu, had a sick, albeit weird, finish that went down)
"Oh yeah? AC? AC, bro? You should go to the Borgata. Place is sick. Craps? Craps, bro? You should play Roulette. I was playin' when I was down there. Got up like 5, 600 bucks! Kept playin' bettin' like BAM! BAM! Going black, red, black, red! IT was CRAZY! [pause...quieter to himself] Then I lost everything." (In between games when someone mentioned an upcoming trip to Atlantic City)
"This little guy is killin' us!" [X 15] (When this little guy was killing us on the boards)

We ended up running the table, and this character could actually play a little ball and earned the AKAs, Scott Joplin & Billy Joel (cuz that motherfucker was The Entertainer). I was laughing so hard at Broheim on some plays I was close to fuckin' up. We left the gym amazed at how awesome this kid was at life.

The entire week following, Clyde and I replayed this encounter over and over and prayed that ShaqFu would be back the next time we played. Thursday came and our prayers were answered and then some. Not only did the Undertaker come again, but his twin brother, Kane, showed up as well, rocking a throwback Jason Kidd Cal Jersey circa 1993. You could tell he was special, because he had an aura around his head. I was able to get a picture of him with my phone:

Kane rocked the shit, and him and the Undertaker went at it like the WWF was going to kill a Panda. It boggled my mind that one person like the Undertaker could exist in a world. But, the fact that he has an identical twin brother made me begin to wonder if I was in the Truman Show. I can't even begin to imagine what their parents were like, although I suspect their father had his sperms genetically altered to make them more awesome. I know what their moms was like, cuz her picture fell out of one of their wallets and I, smartly, picked it up and scanned it when I got home: