Poundin' Sammy White Ales The Whole Time.

Yo, yo, yo, let's call Kyle Orton so we can kick his ass!!!


Burbonnais, IL - A couple summers ago - Bears Preseason Training Camp
My boy, Yopper was an unpaid intern for a sports radio station in Chicago, so his job was to drive a golf cart around training camp and try to get players to go on the show. On the last night of camp he got to go out drinking with all the Bears. Highlights:

1) Lance Briggs came in to the bar with a camo ski mask on and told everyone in there, "This is a fucking stick up!" while pointing his fingers like a gun.

2) Urlacher walked in with 2 gorgeous "dimepieces" whom Yopper said, "could have not possibly been from Burbonnais."
3) All 3 QB's, Rex, Griese, and "The Big Guy" Kyle Orton walked in together. Yopper almost got to play Rex in bags but Rex's team lost.

4) Urlacher left the bartender a $44 tip after ordering like 2 drinks that cost $6.

5) Rex ordered 4 shots of Jager and had to go talk to someone. Yops was right next to him and Rex is like, "watch these shots." He stands there for 10 mins and Rex comes back and gives Yopper one of the shots.

6) Orton was wearing a Beatles shirt and double fisting Miller High Life the whole night.

YEAAAA!!!!! =
Note: This is Jack, not High Life. But, you can imagine what it'd be like if it was.


Evanston, IL - Fall of 2005 - The Keg of Evanston
Typical Monday night at The Keg: $3 big cups, lots of drunk underage girls, sketchy Kellogg Business Students, hard core make out sessions on the dance floor, grimey games of quarters, townies playing pool, other-side-of-townies holding (various contraband), piss leaking out into the hallway, but on this night Kyle Orton and 5 other Bears players were in attendance.

The Bears had lost the day before, making their record 0-4 all with Kyle Orton at the Helm. It was clear they were just trying to get over another heartbreaking loss by breaking the hearts of young, ripe college girls:

Note: The above girl is not in college. Just try to use your imagination.

I had pregamed at the House (Frat.) and was feeling good. The Keg was less packed than usual, but I'd say it was about 70% full.

I walk straight up to the bar and buy my first Big Cup. I walk over to the dancefloor to scope out the situation. Girls were looking especially young and skanky on this particular night. They were not looking good. Just skanky. They never look good. I turn to head to the head and I immediately see a huge black dude who looked exactly like Tyrie from RW: Denver (although this encounter preceded the airing of that season of the Real World).
Tyrie stepped to the side and there in all his glory was the one and only Kyle Orton. Kyle Orton?? Kyle Muthafuckin' Orton. Are you kidding me? Former Purdue Stand Out? Current Starting Quarterback for the NFL's Chicago Bears? Former Purdue Choke-Artist? Current All-American Drunk, Kyle Orton?? I got butterflies! What was I going to say to this douchebag? Obviously I can't talk too much shit or Tyrie might stab my dad, but I mean, come on, this guy deserves it. He's a huge douche. A douche who definitely doesn't deserve to be where he's at in life.

I go take a piss, telling everyone I see that Kyle Orton is here, while simultaneously sopping up a ton of piss with my sole's, shoelaces, and bottom part of my jeans. A buzz starts to form in the Keg and by the time I emerge from the pisser I hear others talking about the king of douches.

I walk out, find my boys and tell them that I'm gonna go see how our boy, Orton, is feeling this evening.

I find Kyle sitting on a stool in the middle of the dancefloor (15-20 feet from where the stool belongs) and I notice that he's super fucked up.

Note: This was it, except instead of standing, he was sitting on a stool.

I have my big cup in hand, now close to its end, and I still don't know what to say, so I kill the cup and go up to the bar to get another beer and to confirm with the bartender that these guys were indeed Bears players.... They were. One of their back up safeties (a Todd Johnson-type) walks over and sits at the bar right where I'm at.

me: you play for the bears right?
him: yeah, unfortunately....we suck.
me: nah you guys could still win the division [their division was ass and they ended up winning it]
him: yeah, if our offense ever fucking does anything (orton is 3 feet away)
me: what position do you play
him: safety
me: you need another drink?
him: i dont think thats a good idea. the last one i got i spilled all over myself
me: oh aight.
[end of conversation w/Todd Johnson]
me: [turn to bartender] lemme get a big cup. [get the big cup. I immediately turn to orton and hold my big cup 4 inches from his face as he stares blankly at an ugly girl 3 feet in front of him dancing on a pole] Drink away your sorrows, bro.
Orton: [inaudible][I was able to infer from context clues that he did not like what I had to say and would not hesitate to get Tyrie to stab my dad or my mom if I did not leave, or he would have just jacked me in the face himself, (which in hindsight would have been sweet... lawsuit, bebe!) so I walked away like a pussy, but still... Kyle Mutherfucking Orton.]
Note: Orton responded to all of this by continuing to get wasted without regard to his dignity, playing every Sunday hungover, leading the Bears to the Playoffs, and dating a freshman girl who lived in Bobb-Muccolluch and later turned into a hyuge whore.